Tidbits

Life is going by too quickly for me to blog about everything I want to blog about. Somehow the minutes and hours and days just keep ticking away and I can hardly believe another week has gone by. This past weekend the weather turned positively summery, so this morning the kids and I ventured to the playground and I got a great video of Gabriel showing off his repertoire of words. The therapy is working! He also says no and his own version of yes (sounds kind of like "dah"). We're baby stepping our way up in the world of words!

My main reason for being quiet on the blog last week was Amelia got sick. A week ago Sunday she started a fever and it hung on for several days, leaving her completely miserable and listless and needy like nothing else. Praise God she was the only kiddo who got whatever it was, and her only symptom was the fever. No gross bodily fluids or anything like that, but I had my hands full enough, literally, because if Amelia was awake, she needed to be held. I felt like I'd been through the ringer by Friday after several days of hardly being able to fix a meal or answer the phone without a baby dissolving into fits of agonizing crying. And no one was sleeping well at night. We took Amelia to the doctor at one point but were just told to wait it out, which is what I'd figured we'd do anyway. I'm glad the fever dissipated, however slowly, and as of today it looks like we're out of the woods.

My rough week last week was compounded by my visit to the new endodontist to finish off my root canal. Yeah, you know that little procedure that has now stretched out as long as an epic war story. Good news was I was able to go to a new endodontist who was kind and gentle and good at explaining things. Unfortunately the rest of the news was not all that great. Before she ever looked at my tooth she spoke with the first endodontist and told me that he was concerned that I might lose the tooth. He never told me that. She said he probably took as many visits as he did because he was trying to preserve the tooth. When she started to work on it herself she didn't take long to finish up and concur with his ruling. Apparently my molar has some long scraggly roots and the tips are close to my sinuses and there's just something about my tooth anatomy that makes this a particularly difficult root canal. So she recommended I get the tooth pulled. Which sucks. Really sucks. But at this point I gotta do it. I trust this second endodontist's judgement and the last thing I'm going to do is go in for a FIFTH root canal appointment, so now I'm off to the oral surgeon next week to get an extraction. Maybe I should just get them all pulled and let dentists be a thing of my past. Thank goodness this is a molar and no one will see the big gap in my teeth. Bet it'll feel weird for a long time though. Someday I'll need to get an implant, but from what I hear they are pricey and not often covered by insurance. I haven't had the heart to check what my insurance covers. I think I'm just looking forward to having this tooth out of my head so my life can go on. It's already infected. Just pray that it doesn't start hurting too bad before I get a chance to have it out next week. And if you're in the neighborhood and feeling generous, feel free to stop by with a milkshake!

The anointing

I finally have one! One of those mommy stories you hear about--you know, the ones where small children humiliate their moms in public with horrible tirades or embarrassing comments or by creating huge messes or spectacles. My friend has a great story about her daughter. During the potty training stage she was walking around Bed, Bath & Beyond while little pellets of poop escaped from her pant legs. My friend had to scurry around the store picking up poop as though she were cleaning up after her dog in the park. Admittedly my story is not that embarrassing, though it may be more gross. In short, Abigail threw up on me while we were at the checkout stand at Target yesterday. Real grown up super smelly vomit. While the cashier looked on. Yup, lots of fun.

I took the kids to Target because the weather was great and I figured it was a chance to get some exercise too. Abby woke up from her nap really grumpy and upset, and she refused to eat her snack. No problem, I figured. The walk would do her good, and she actually liked the idea of riding in the backpack while I pushed Amelia and Gabriel in the stroller. Partway through the Target trip Gabe and Amelia each got another little snack, but Abigail still refused. Then, while I was paying for our stuff, just out of nowhere I see vomit shoot over my left shoulder. I can feel it hit my hair and slide down my shoulder a little too, and the smell is unmistakable. I asked the cahsier if she had any paper towels but she pointed me to the food area. I couldn't exactly get to the food area without finishing my purchase and struggling with the stroller, so I just ran my card and signed my receipt. I think by the time I finished the cashier noticed what happened because she started handing me napkins that she miraculously found behind the counter, and I was able to mop up a little of the goo from myself and the floor before the customer behind me very graciously shooed me away to get more thoroughly cleaned up and assured me I had enough to worry about and someone else could mop up the floor.

I wasn't able to thoroughly clean, given that the Target food area doesn't provide shower facilities, but I took Abigail off my back, cleaned what I could with some more napkins, and gave everyone a drink of water. Abby seemed quite content and comfortable, so I was happy about that. She even nodded yes when I asked if she wanted another piggy back ride home. One woman very sweetly stopped by and said she was impressed that my kids were so quiet and well behaved, and that I was doing a great job as a mother. Wow! Made my day to hear that, so maybe getting throw up on you in public is actually an opportunity for good!

The worst part of all of this was I didn't get to clean myself up for quite a while, because as soon as we got home I had to feed the kids a speedy dinner (of which Abby partook) and then run off to pick up Garrett from work because I had the car yesterday. I was feeling pretty gross by the time we all got home together, what with my workout of walking to Target and back and the added aroma of Abigail's digested lunch. Mmmmmm, good!

Oh, and another fun story from just about thirty minutes ago: apparently Amelia has learned how to climb out of her crib. Thank God she didn't hit any edges or break any little baby parts on the way down, but I'm not sure how this bodes for future naptimes. Today I'm not exactly hearing the sounds of peaceful slumber in the next room. Don't toddlers ever get tired?

Finding rest

I thought I'd comment on the changes I've seen in the past week since it's been that long now since I implemented my new "let cry with company" method of dealing with my kids. It has not been a completely smooth journey, but all in all I am pleased with how things have come along. I admit that I have let my kids cry some in the process of going down for naps (that is, I've let them cry on their own without me going to them) because frankly I was beginning to feel a little desperate myself at the thought of putting them down for naps becoming a half hour ordeal every day. But I have tried to be attentive and free with the snuggles as I put them to bed and attentive to their upsets when it's not naptime, and thankfully the bouts of crying at naptimes has never lasted longer than seven minutes. I feel like we've crossed the hump and we're beginning to find a rhythm again. Praise God! And we are binky free during the day, so as things appear now, I'd say mission accomplished with hopefully minimal damage. They still sometimes ask for the binky when it's naptime, but even when I say no there are no erruptions of protest like there were last week and over the weekend. I'm happy with our results so far.

So now that the crying and tantrum issues seem less monumental, I'm back to feeling a little more content and capable with my brood. For a few days there I was pretty shaken up, not so much with the crying as I was with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be there for all three of them and knowing that it just was not physically possible. Today I am feeling upbeat though, and the sun is shining and we are having a good day. We're having a good week, really. It started with Tuesday, when my day started horribly and took a turn for the much better when speech therapy was canceled (that was part of the bad start) and we took the opportunity to get out of the house. Sometimes I'm disinclined to go out, even when the weather allows, because I anticipate so much work. But it's almost always worth it, and Tuesday was great. I piled the kids in the triple stroller and we walked into town to Bellizzi, the pizza place with a great play area for little ones. We all ate pizza for lunch and they played while I chatted with other moms. I was so glad I got out of the house, and pretty proud of myself for braving a restaurant on my own! I met another mom who asked if my kids started out in the NICU when they were born. She currently has a baby girl in the NICU. She was born at 29 weeks and the morning that I met her the mom had learned she had some blood infection or disorder, on top of everything else already plaguing her little body. I told the mom I would pray for her and just came away feeling so grateful for my healthy kids. Every once in a while I get a reminder of how incredibly fortunate I am to have three strong, healthy, active toddlers, especially given the chances that something could have so easily gone wrong. I try to count my blessings every day, but it's nice in some ways to come across those moments that really make you feel grateful, not just know it in your head.

Hugs!

I was so fortunate to capture some of the cutest sibling interaction on video today. Seems like the hug bug bit my little guys and they were getting a kick out of giving each other some snuggles. Gabriel has started the most adorable habit of coming up behind me or Garrett and kind of attacking us, clinging to our back and giving big bear hugs. It's fun to see him showering his sisters with some of the same affection!

Day 2

The kids are napping now and I'm taking the chance to mull over this experience of trying to hear them out and accompany them through their crying. The great news is that going down for naps took about 50 minutes today instead of two hours, and most of that time was not actually spent crying. One of the things Solter mentions in her book is the need for infants and young children to fall asleep in the presence of a loving caretaker. She says that it's perfectly normal and natural for babies to insist on company for falling asleep and that we should indulge them in this to ensure their optimum emotional health. I have to say I balk at this idea because frankly, I don't have it in me. Not as something to commit to on a consistent basis. I think it's perfectly fine to teach babies to fall asleep on their own and I have no intention of undoing the year and a half plus of work I've already put in to making my kids good nappers.

But here's the thing: yesterday it seemed like the crying was due to upset over the missing binkies, and the kids cried as much while I was holding them as when I wasn't. Today though, they really only cried when I put them down in order to pick up someone else. In their cribs they cried and cried, but when I held them they snuggled in and acted sleepy. I'm not used to them being so snuggly, especially Amelia, right before a nap. Usually they go down without so much as a peep, wide awake, and drift off on their own. Of course, that was with binkies. Both girls dozed off in my arms today, first Amelia then Abigail, and I finally was able to put them in bed already pretty much asleep. I don't like doing that and the whole time I was internally cringing at the idea that I would have to hold them until they slept or else they would cry and fuss when I put them down, but I also reasoned that this is day two and they didn't really complain all that much about no binkies and I want to bear this out for a while.

By the way, Gabriel was super easy today and cried for maybe five minutes, during which I snuggled and held him, and he settled down and I put him in his crib awake, sans binky, and he drifted off within minutes while the girls continued to take turns carrying on in their beds. It's interesting to watch each of my kids as they process this new thing I'm doing with them. They are all so different. Gabriel really needs loving when he's upset, but in general he's very adaptable. In fact tonight (I am finishing this post after the kids are in bed for the night) he didn't even ask for his binky, and we didn't give it to him, and he went to bed without complaint and wide awake. The girls are obviously needing more coddling, but honestly it's Amelia that is surprising me in all this. She has definitely been crying the most, sometimes really raging pretty strongly, but she has also been the most docile, content, and cuddly after her episodes are over. I feel like I'm getting some real insightful nuggets into what she may be experiencing emotionally, though I don't claim to have a firm grasp of what it all means. Solter suggests that in the process of feeling heard and understood, kids will naturally become more attached and comfortable with the person doing the listening. I hope that's what I'm seeing. Stay tuned.

Crafts, Easter eggs, and a sea of tears

I took the kids to their first Easter egg hunt today. My MOPS group hosted a hunt at our church and the weather could not have been more cooperative. It was a beautiful sunny day in the 60's and we all had a great time. Before the hunt there was a time of crafts in the church basement. That was a little less fun, mostly because my kids don't "get" crafts yet and I spent most of the time trying to make sure they didn't get too close to the Easter egg dye. Abigail did manage to give herself a gothic look with some carefully applied black crayola marker on her lips, but I had to hand it to her for staying so precisely within the lines! The hunt consisted of hundreds of plastic eggs strewn about the church lawn. There was a special section for the littlest kids (two and under) so toddlers didn't get trampeled in the chaos. Unfortunately I only really got pictures of Amelia during the festivities. I was pretty busy chasing kids so another woman offered to take a few shots when she saw my camera laying idle. Here are a few pics of the morning:

Abigail shows off her affinity for black lipstick

Amelia and her basket of colorful eggs
Having so much fun!

me and Amelia

Gabriel getting lured by the slide while Abby looks on

La dee da, I like my eggs

Amelia and Gabriel, inspecting the spoils

By the time we got home the kiddos were ready for a nap after their busy morning. My efforts to wean them from the binky during naptime continues and today took on a bit of a new twist. Just for a bit of background, on Monday I gave them the modified binkies (with tips cut off for diminished sucking satisfaction) and they took turns crying and complaining for an hour and a half before napping. I just left them in their room to cry. On Tuesday I did the same thing and they napped beautifully for two hours as soon as I left the room. On Wednesdays, as a habit, I put them down to nap slightly early (around noon) because Gabriel and Abigail have a therapy session at 2:30 and I want them to be rested and predictably awake by the time that rolls around. During yesterday's nap they were back to crying and complaining, and after about 45 minutes I finally went back into the room to give them the good binkies because I wanted them to at least get some rest so the therapy session wouldn't be a total disaster. I found Gabriel fast asleep, but gave the girls their normal binkies and they eventually got some sleep too.

As all of this has been going on I have continued reading the book Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry by Aletha J. Solter. The book has really resonated with me. I mentioned in my last post the premise of the book, which is that babies and children should be allowed and encouraged to cry and rage when they express the need in the presence of an accepting and nurturing adult. In the words of the author: "emotional problems, behavioral problems, and stress-related illnesses are not caused by stress itself, but by the suppression of the natural healing mechanisms, specifically crying and raging, that serve the purpose of restoring the body's physiological and psychological balance following stress." I find this assertion to be refreshing in its simplicity, but also fairly radical in terms of the mental shift needed in order to approach parenting a crying child. I have always consistently responded to my children's cries (barring earlier this week when I didn't know how else to enforce the new no-binky rule), but I, like the vast majority of parents I suspect, have always tried to soothe the crying away. I think I have a pretty healthy respect for the need to express emotions and be heard, but it never occurred to me that at times I may be inadvertantly communicating to my kids that I don't want them to express themselves. As I mentioned before I do think there is a time and place to teach kids appropriate modes of expression, but by no means are my kids old enough, in my opinion, to be considered inappropriate for crying and throwing tantrums in the face of frustration, stress, or negative emotions.

One thing Solter talks about is what she calls control patterns--habits or behaviors people use to prevent themselves from feeling emotional pain and crying. One of the the control patterns she mentions is the use of pacifiers. I'm not sure how this all fits in with the idea that newborn babies benefit from pacifiers because of their innate need to suck and the comfort they draw from it, but certainly by my kids' age I think it could be reasonably stated that pacifiers, by and large, are used to prevent my kids from crying. Even though we only really use them at bedtimes now, I know that they have come to depend on them to fall asleep and if the binkies were absent, crying would ensue. Which brings me back to this afternoon.

I decided to continue with my binky removal plan, but instead of leaving my kids to sort out their angst on their own I would stay with them while they cried, complained, whined, and raged. And they did. For two hours. Amelia was the most adamant, but everyone had their say and they didn't hold back. They cried, screamed, and flailed. They definitely had me wondering at times if I was doing them more harm than good. But each time that thought crossed my mind I thought this couldn't be worse than leaving them all alone to do the exact same thing only without the support. I just stayed with them, held them as much as I could, and encouraged them to cry as much as they needed to. It was really fascinating actually. Amelia especially, who was clearly the most upset without her binky (I ended up going with no binkies rather than the modified ones today), went through phases of crying and raging, then calming down and getting super snuggly, giggly, and playful. Then she would point to the binky drawer again and I would tell her no binkies right now, and the crying and raging started all over again. By the time she was through she was literally asleep in my arms, exhausted from the marathon but also more cuddly than usual. Abigail was also completely spent from the episode. Unfortunately I was not actually holding her when she decided she'd had enough crying because my arms were full of her siblings, and I wonder if she did not get all the crying done she needed because when she woke up after napping she still had some crying to do. Gabe calmed down quicker than the girls and did not drop from exhaustion, but I think too that he could have used more cry time or just more holding, because he woke up after only 45 minutes. At that point I got him out of bed and he snuggled with me in the recliner and slept for a while on my lap.

I can't say at this point if I'm sold on this technique of hearing them out and encouraging them to vent, but to me it makes logical sense and I'm interested in seeing if I continue to approach their crying in this way, if they will come to cry less often overall because they know that when they do need to cry they will be acknowledged and loved. This is unconditional love--no matter how noisy, needy, clingy, or angry you are, I will love you through it all. I will not abandon you to figure it out on your own or make you feel like it's wrong to feel what you feel. I may not be able to fix the problem, but I can make sure you know you're not alone. Isn't that what we all want? Although we had a rough afternoon, we had a lovely evening and a happy bedtime (though I admit I did not have the heart to ban binkies at bedtime too. We'll see how naptime pans out for the next few days). I am encouraged and hopeful.

And on that note, I will end this epic length blog post with just a quick update on the root canal, since several people have been enormously encouraging. I am currently planning on finishing up with a different endodontist. It will be a bit tricky because of insurance payments and the logistics of scheduling, but I am optimistic that it will work out. It appears I will not get in for an appointment until a couple weeks from now, but thankfully I'm not in pain and I'm confident I can wait it out.

And here is a happy video of Abigail on the big slide, just to make you smile. Goodnight!

Root canal not so appealing anymore...

This morning I had the third appointment for my root canal. This is turning into a true nightmare. I'm finding I have a significant aversion to major dental work. Surprise surprise, right? I doubt there are many people who enjoy having their nerves removed and canals filled in, but this experience has been really nerve wracking for me.

The dentist is an old man who can harldy put two words together. It's been like pulling teeth (ha ha) to get him to explain anything to me. I don't even really know what a root canal is, other than what I've learned from looking it up online. My dentist is gruff, cryptic, and I'm guessing pretty set in his ways. He says that my tooth is not very accessible (it's the top left molar, farthest back, and apparently my mouth is rather small, or so he tells me) and that my roots are deep, and basically this whole process will take as long as it takes. When I first made the appointment to come in the receptionist told me it would take 2-3 visits. When I arrived for my first visit the dentist told me 3-4 visits. This morning was my third visit and just today the dentist told Garrett (who called to see why this guy is sending his wife home in tears after every visit) that it'll take "at least two more visits" to get this root canal done. I am undone about this, but I don't really know what to do. I am more than appalled at this latest news, but I also feel somewhat like my hands are tied. I have not called the insurance company yet but I'm doubtful they will be keen on paying two dentists for one root canal if I decide to switch mid-procedure, but someone has to pay for what Dr. Evil has already done and I don't want it to be me. So I may just be stuck with this guy for the long hall.

I am trying to seek God's comfort in this. Honestly, I know that as soon as this root canal is done I will move on with no lasting ill effects, but right now, when I have to go back every week leading to more pain, more anxiety, and more inconvenience because of the time Garrett has to miss at work to stay home with the kids, I need God's presence to keep me grounded and to hopefully help me be a decent patient. If there are any dentists or endodontists who read my blog, I have some advice for you: when a patient winces, white knuckles the arms of the dentist chair, or has tears leaking their way down her cheeks, don't tell her that what she is experiencing is "only pressure." I know what pressure is. I also, unfortunately, know what seering nerve pain is. It's pretty easy to tell the difference. Though walking through the rest of the morning without any feeling in the entire left side of my head is rather awkward, I'd rather you load me with anesthesia then try to toughen me up or make an example of me.

All right, enough of my complaining. On to other topics, like how much my kids love that I am trying to limit their binky use these days. Man, if I had the heart I would just throw those binkies away without a second thought. As it is, they only get their binkies during naps and at bedtime, and still I find myself just hating those things. It's hard to tell if they bring out the worst in my kids, or if my kids really need them to be pacified. I have decided that it's the former, and I'm determined to get rid of those suckers once and for all. Today I started Operation Eliminate Binky at naptime. Instead of giving them their usual binks for naps I gave them "special" binkies for big kids, meaning I gave them binkies that I had cut the tips off of, so they are not as satisfying to suck. They all seemed understandably perplexed by these shortened binkies, but the first twenty minutes of naptimes went by rather smoothly. Then the fireworks started, and for the next hour and a half at least one kid at any given time was belting out their disapproval. I hate letting my kids cry. I hate sitting in the living room knowing they are in the next room as sad as sad can be. But I also hate the idea of my kids getting only more and more attached to these pacifiers that impede their language development and jump start spontaneous tantrums when they are not produced at just the right time. And I know that logic and long term goal setting are lost on my little angels. Plus I'm kind of wiped out from my morning with Dr. Evil. So I let them cry this time, and now they are all sleeping away.

I am reading a book right now called Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry. I'm pretty sure the author would not approve of my let-cry method this afternoon, though I am not sure that any method can or should be used exclusively. The premise of the author is that crying and raging in babies and children serve a valuable purpose in relieving stress and promoting emotional health and healing. Crying should therefore be neither ignored nor squelched. Crying kids need to be acknowledged and heard, but not necessarily pacified. In other words, a crying child should not be left to cry it out on their own. On the other hand, they should not be scooped up and rocked and coddled and given a pacifier in an attempt to quiet them down. The idea is that crying indicates emotional turmoil that needs to be released, that the crying itself is the pacifier, and that parents and caregivers should provide understanding and nurturing and support during this emotional release. So far I think it's a very valid premise and I tend to agree with the author. But I also think there's room for teaching children that while feeling sad and upset and angry is not wrong, there are appropriate ways to express those feelings that don't involve screaming, tantrums, etc. Obviously the child's age should be taken into account in all this so appropriate expectations are in place. I am still fairly early in the book so I have a lot to cover, but I'm intrigued by the thought process and gosh I just pray that I do right by my kids. I'm fairly certain that parenting is the longest tightrope balancing act I will ever have to face.