Early Intervention

The ball is set in motion. Inquiries were made, evaluations took place, assessments drawn up, and plan of action determined. We are now participants in "the system."

Starting next week my kids will start receiving speech therapy through New York State's Early Intervention (EI) program. Though I have not written about this topic on my blog, it has been a nagging issue on the forefront of my mind for many months. It's a little hard to sort out my feelings about it all. In a nutshell, I'm very glad to be getting my kids the help they need to catch up and I can't wait to get started with the therapy. But beyond the nutshell there's an array of conflicting emotions. It's hard to read literature on where my kids should be verbally by this point and see that they are nowhere near. Or to hear about my friends who have children younger than mine, sometimes by six months or more, and hear that they are already speaking.

The more you know, the more you realize just how much you don't know. Wasn't it Socrates who came up with that one, or something along those lines? I knew my kids were not developing language at a typical rate, but I was not overly worried. For several months I just waited it out to see if they were late bloomers. By 15 months I spoke to their pediatrician who assured me that not talking yet was well within the range of normal and I should wait a bit longer. At 18 months, when nothing had improved, their doctor still sounded unconcerned, but said it wouldn't hurt to contact EI and have them evaluated for services. I was planning on having them evaluated by that point anyway, but I was glad to finally have their pediatrician's endorsement.

But then I began to learn just how far behind they are. In some ways I can be encouraged because we are actually getting help now. In very short order they will each be getting two speech therapy sessions a week and I have every reason to believe they will respond and improve quickly. That is certainly my prayer. But part of me is still processing the very fact that they need help at all. When I called EI back in early January I was just thinking about speech. My kids aren't talking yet, and I think they should be. Though they have all at one point or another said a word or words, none of them at this point have any words they say consistently, and some of the words that appeared months ago have long since disappeared. But when the speech pathologist came to evaluate them, my eyes were opened to just how detailed and specific that evaluation was, and how each of my kids have different issues to overcome. And the realizations, while I'm grateful for them, also left me feeling a little dumbfounded. Like I missed the boat without even realizing it was at the dock right in front of me, waiting for me to get on.

The evaluator was looking not just at speech, but overall communication, and in a variety of forms. Do my kids imitate behaviors? Do they imitate sounds? Do they initiate communication? Do they indicate they understand communication aimed at them? Do they follow directions? They were tested for receptive as well as expressive language skills and as the evaluation progressed I was made aware of just how different each of my kids is, down to the details.

Abigail is a big communicator. She intitiates contact all the time and she makes her needs known. She points, vocalizes, shakes her head, and is using increasingly more sign language. She follows directions, points to objects in pictures and books, and waves hello and goodbye. She expresses opinions. But she doesn't talk. She doesn't babble. The speech pathologist looks for specific consonant sounds and consonant/vowel repetitions, and Abigail uses virtually none of them. It doesn't even appear that she's trying. Many months ago she used to imitate me when I made animal sounds, but that faded long ago, possibly as far back as her first birthday. I'm not sure about the timing, but I know that "moo" is no longer in her repertoire. In fact she has virtually no linguistic repertoire, relying heavily on "eh" sounds and accompanying gestures or facial expressions to make her point. She has a very obvious "yes" now, consisting of a high pitched "eh" followed by a giggle and usually a smile. It's cute, for sure, and I'm glad Garrett and I figured it out, but it's not exactly useful to anyone outside the walls of our home. That part is discouraging.

Gabriel, on the other hand, is really not much of a communicator. He interacts with me all the time and he does make more vocalizations and babbling noises than either of the girls, but I was surprised to learn that even his babbling does not have the variety and consonant vowel combinations that are expected at his age or younger. I was also somewhat stumped when the evaluator asked Garrett and me what Gabriel does to indicate what he wants. What does he do when he wants one of you to come to him? What does he do to indicate he wants something? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he doesn't really do much at all. If he wants one of us, he either cries and fusses until we come to him, or he just comes to us. If he wants something he just tries to get it. He's an independent little guy and most often tries to get to things on his own. Sometimes he'll point and grunt for a binky or a drink of water that's out of reach, but by and large he's a do-it-yourselfer. That in an of itself is just fine with me, but in the context of communication it's upsetting to me that he does not initiate more. And if his expressive language is behind, his receptive is just as delayed. He only sporadically responds to his name. He only ocassionally follows directions. He does not point to objects in books or pictures. He does not obviously express opinions when given two choices. He does not answer yes or no questions definitively, or at all. He is smart, capable, adept in gross and fine motor skills and he has a long attention span. He is cooperative and social and affectionate. But he doesn't really "talk" to me.

And then there's Amelia. Sweet adorable little Amelia, caught somewhere in the middle of the other two extremes. She makes some noises and does like to use the words "uh oh" and "hi," though not as frequently and repeatedly as the evaluator suggested was typical. She sometimes does imitate language and at different times has had moments of brilliance with the words "dada" and "mama," though nothing stuck and there was no indication that she actually knew what she was talking about. Amelia is really middle of the road, at least in terms of her siblings. She usually responds to her name, she sometimes follows directions, she likes to point at things in books and pictures but she often points to the wrong things. She makes her needs known with cries and fussing and pointing, but still does not try using language to get what she wants. She is picking up some sign language like her sister, but she does not typically use it spontaneously.

There are several measurements to indicate where on the spectrum of language and communication skills my kids lie, incluing percentiles, standard deviations, and numeric test scores. Those all get confused in my head and when I do remember something--first percentile, second percentile, two standard deviations behind, at least 33% delayed--I don't usually remember what the measurement specifically referred to. What I do know is that my kids are behind, and they need help. And I do know that they will get that help. And I do know I'm glad about that, and I only wish the help had started yesterday.

I also know that my kids are going to be fine. In fact I believe that wholeheartedly, and at this point I harbor no long term concerns for my kids' communication and language skills. I fully expect they will catch up in good time and that in a year or two they will not need any services at all. This is what I believe. I also believe that God's desire is for them to reach their full potential, and that no matter what challenges they face, His glory can and will be revealed through the journey. But right now, even as I believe these things and praise God for the work He is doing and will do, it is still hard to watch my kids be unable to tell me that they want water, a binky, a hug, or that they need a diaper change. I am still doing a lot of guess work and it makes for some long days and some frustrating moments.

So this is what I've been thinking about a lot recently. Finally out on the page for the world to see. But praise God, I wanted to wait to bring it up because at the same time I brought up the problem, I wanted to be able to say there is a solution in progress. And there is. Next week my kids will meet their therapist, my schedule will get much busier, and my home has the potential to be filled with three little voices saying "No no no no no!" and "Mine, mine, mine!" And who could want anything more than that?

Visitors!

This past weekend my brother Wyatt and his fiance Kalpana came to visit from Washington DC. They arrived on Friday night and we had until early Sunday afternoon to hang out and play with the kids. It was so much fun! We haven't seen them since late July when we took a short visit to DC, and even then we didn't have much time to spend since they had to work while we were in town. This weekend was a really nice time of hanging out, reconnecting, and letting the two of them get to know our ever changing kids. We went to the mall on Saturday (boy will we be glad when the weather mellows out and allows some variety in our family outings!) and spent some time at the indoor play area and took the kids' first ride on the carousel. The girls loved it! Gabriel decided by the end that it wasn't for him, but he was a good sport about it. We also got a chance to go out to dinner on Saturday night after the kiddos went to bed. It was a real treat to spend some good quality time with both of them. It's been years since Wyatt and I have spent any real time together so it was fun to have enough time to connect. It was also great to get to know Kalpana a little better. They are getting married in October and I can't wait to have a new sister. I'm very excited for them both. The day I met Kalpana was actually Christmas day 2006--the day Garrett and I told my family we were having triplets. Nothing like welcoming Kalpana with a bang! It was amazing to watch her with the kids this weekend though. She just jumped right in and made herself at home. I was so impressed with her comfort level with them--I think she will be a wonderful aunt and I hope they come to visit again soon.

And by the way, I'm getting very excited about their actual wedding day as well. Kalpana is Indian so they are going to have two wedding ceremonies--a Hindu ceremony in the morning and an Episcopal ceremony in the evening. I get to wear my first Sari! But even more exciting than that is getting my kids dressed in traditional Indian garb. And then in the evening I get to watch my girls be flower girls! And Gabriel gets to be a ring bearer! I can't imagine anything cuter and just hope everyone is well rested enough to actually cooperate.

Running the race

Oh how I long to please the Lord! I look at these past few weeks and my heart almost aches to be nearer to Him, even as I continue to seek Him every day. Every day just doesn't seem like enough anymore. I have been doing my devotions daily, making sure I read His word. I want the Spirit of the Lord to inhabit me, the wisdom of His Holiness to bathe me and seep into my pores. Daily scripture just doesn't seem to be enough--I'm hungry for more. So I am praying more. I very highly recommend the Power of Praying series by Stormie Omartian. I am currently reading through The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Parent. I need to be praying for my family every day and I am planning that when I finish these books I will turn right back to page one and read them again, and again, and again. I have never felt so convicted to come to the Lord in prayer and to ingest His word with diligence, yet I find that the more I seek Him, the more I feel left wanting. Not because He is not filling me. The thing is, He is filling me. But in that miraculous and supernatural way of His, the filling, the abundance of His riches pouring out, is accompanied by heightened awareness and a dropping of scales from the eyes. I see my weaknesses, my faults, my shortcomings, my need for Him. And so I seek Him all the more.

It's become painfully obvious to me how I need God to sustain me and guide me through my parenting. I have been stretched and stressed recently in ways I never had a glimpse of even a couple months ago, and I'm quickly seeing the fault lines in my polished veneer. My kids are testing me. Tantrums erupt throughout the day, they fight over toys, they push and shove each other through doorways or into the elevator. The other day Gabriel picked up a recorder (musical instrument) and whack Amelia on the head with it. Today I got out of the shower to hear serious crying coming from the other room. I went to find a tearful Amelia with at least two bite marks on her arms, culprit unknown. I've seen Abigail trip Amelia by grabbing her foot as she tries to walk away from a sisterly tussle. And I've seen all three throw tantrums straight from babysitters' nightmares over anything and nothing during mealtimes gone wrong. Oh yes, my patience is being tried.

They are not always like this. That is, they are not always fighting or crying or conjuring terrible ways to wreak pain and havoc. But the stage is upon us where discipline must start in earnest, and mommy better be arming herself with the armor of God every morning for a day in the trenches. I need to remember, always, that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12. I need to be ready to do spiritual battle on behalf of my kids, as well as for myself so I don't fall for the temptation to snap at them, lose my patience, or take out my frustration in ways I could regret. Every word is a potential weapon, every harsh tone a potential bruise on my babies' precious minds. Now more than ever I hold this scripture close: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

Success!

Finally! I seem to have found a solution to Amelia's hair-in-face problem. After almost two full days of the "ponytail" experiment, no signs of discontent. And she does look darn cute, if you ask me.

I also thought it would be fun to post this picture of Abigail eating breakfast the other morning since I think it's funny. I swear, these kids crack me up.

So cute you'll melt into your socks

Amelia, Abigail, and Gabriel have been quite a handful the past couple weeks. To start with they are going through some phase or growth period (this is what I'm hoping) that is causing them to be extra needy, extra whiny, and extra disinclined to get a good night's sleep. I am up every single night to calm Abigail, who predictably wakes up between 10pm and midnight with a blood curdling scream followed by yowls and shrieks that makes me hop to pretty quickly. On my lucky nights, Gabriel joins in, and on really special occasions Amelia adds her voice to the choir as well. Garrett and I are looking forward to the passing of this new trend.

This week in particular has had some turbulence because it's been an extraordinarily busy week, at least by our standards. Four days this week I needed to use the car during the day, so twice I took Garrett to work and picked him up in the evening, once he took a cab to work and I picked him up, and one morning, bless his heart and the heart of his new boss, he was able to go into the office late so I used the car in the morning and he just went to the office when I got home. All those car trips meant a lot of loading and unloading of little babies who were not so enamored of being loaded and unloaded after about the third time. Tonight when we picked up Garrett for work at 6:30pm, all three kids were asleep in their carseats, completely pooped.

It's a week like this, after a week like last, that makes me ever so grateful to be mother to the absolute cutest kids ever born. Twice this week I had the privilege of capturing precious moments on camera. Since it has been quite a while since I posted any video, I thought I'd share the treasures here. In the first video, Abigail shows off her mad dancing skills to the stylings of Raffi. In the second we get a glimpse of sisterly love that made my heart just about pitty-pat right out of my chest. This was the first time I have ever seen any of my kids hold hands with each other, and I'm so glad the camera was handy. Beware: both videos are slightly lengthy despite the editing. Enjoy!

In response

I have had quite a few responses by now to my post about my stance on abortion, and I've had mixed thoughts on what to do with them. First of all, I'm thrilled that some of you were willing to engage in the conversation with me, and I want to give adequate response. On the other hand, I want to assure everyone who reads here that my blog is not about to become a platform for constant discussions about this sensitive topic. I promise I will continue to write mostly about my family and kids and the amazing and mundane things that fill up our lives. My renewed interest in the abortion debate and my desire to help pregnant women is just one of those things.
That said, I would feel remiss if I did not at least acknowledge some of the responses I've received because, after all, I did invite them. I am encouraged that people from both sides of the issue responded positively to my speaking up, even though clearly not everyone shares my viewpoint. I also appreciate the encouragement to get involved helping women who face unexpected pregnancies. Isn't that what it should all be about? It grieves me to see how the abortion issue has become so polarized and surrounded by rhetoric; I think we lose focus on the real needs and real problems that contribute to so many women choosing abortions each year. I don't know anyone on either side of the debate (though I am aware that unfortunately there are people) who would suggest it's wise to deny women the help and support they need. I think the majority of people on both sides of the aisle want to see women making the best choices for themselves and their children. Where we differ widely of course is on what the acceptable choices are.

The fact (supported widely by science, not just religion) is that babies between the ages of conception and birth are truly alive in every sense of the word. They have their own DNA, body parts, systems, senses, blood types--completely independent of their mothers. Prebirth is a stage in development, the same way infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood are stages. A baby's place of residence inside his mother does not negate his humanness, nor should it negate his rights.

Several people raised the issue, in some form or other, that women should be allowed to have control over their own bodies. I agree, to the extent that what women do with their bodies does not infringe on the rights of others. But abortion does not fit that category. Just because a baby lives inside her mother does not make her part of her mother's body. Of course the mother's body is affected, but hers is not the only body which deserves consideration. Laws abound in our society which limit what women and men can do with their bodies with respect to other people, and these laws are rightly supported. Rape, murder, child abuse, and countless other heinous crimes are publicly abhorred for their grave disregard for the rights of the victims upon whom they inflict harm. Why do unborn children receive no such consideration? Even exposing oneself in public is against the law, which surely limits people's right to do whatever they want with their bodies, because of the impact it can have on other people. Heck, even breastfeeding in public, though not against the law, arouses anything from raisesd eyebrows to outright hostility from people who are uncomfortable in the presence of women exercising control over their own bodies.

Another common objection to the pro-life stance is the general admonition that no one should have the right to tell anyone else what to do with their life. To that I suggest, as you may now guess, that a mother who aborts her child has done exactly that to her child. She has stripped that child of his or her right to determine anything for him or herself, and has therefore imposed upon another person the very limitation many suggest should not be imposed on her.

I believe there is little benefit to arguing for the sake of debate or agitation, and I hope that my response has not unduly provoked any of my pro-choice readers. On the other hand, I do not offer apologies if I have offended because of my stance. There is a fine line to be walked here, and I hope I can learn to walk it gracefully. I think there is no benefit to demonizing the pro-choice movement, nor do I find any merit in making individual women feel guilty for abortions they have had in the past. My heart is truly for the health and wholeness of both women and their babies. I want to help mothers be the best mothers they can be given their circumstances, whether that means keeping their children or surrendering them for adoption. I do not think it is ever in a mother's best interest to kill her child, and I pray to God that I can be an effective tool in His hand to provide women with support, counsel, and positive realistic choices.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." (Proverbs 31:8-9)

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" (Matthew 25:40)