Crafts, Easter eggs, and a sea of tears

I took the kids to their first Easter egg hunt today. My MOPS group hosted a hunt at our church and the weather could not have been more cooperative. It was a beautiful sunny day in the 60's and we all had a great time. Before the hunt there was a time of crafts in the church basement. That was a little less fun, mostly because my kids don't "get" crafts yet and I spent most of the time trying to make sure they didn't get too close to the Easter egg dye. Abigail did manage to give herself a gothic look with some carefully applied black crayola marker on her lips, but I had to hand it to her for staying so precisely within the lines! The hunt consisted of hundreds of plastic eggs strewn about the church lawn. There was a special section for the littlest kids (two and under) so toddlers didn't get trampeled in the chaos. Unfortunately I only really got pictures of Amelia during the festivities. I was pretty busy chasing kids so another woman offered to take a few shots when she saw my camera laying idle. Here are a few pics of the morning:

Abigail shows off her affinity for black lipstick

Amelia and her basket of colorful eggs
Having so much fun!

me and Amelia

Gabriel getting lured by the slide while Abby looks on

La dee da, I like my eggs

Amelia and Gabriel, inspecting the spoils

By the time we got home the kiddos were ready for a nap after their busy morning. My efforts to wean them from the binky during naptime continues and today took on a bit of a new twist. Just for a bit of background, on Monday I gave them the modified binkies (with tips cut off for diminished sucking satisfaction) and they took turns crying and complaining for an hour and a half before napping. I just left them in their room to cry. On Tuesday I did the same thing and they napped beautifully for two hours as soon as I left the room. On Wednesdays, as a habit, I put them down to nap slightly early (around noon) because Gabriel and Abigail have a therapy session at 2:30 and I want them to be rested and predictably awake by the time that rolls around. During yesterday's nap they were back to crying and complaining, and after about 45 minutes I finally went back into the room to give them the good binkies because I wanted them to at least get some rest so the therapy session wouldn't be a total disaster. I found Gabriel fast asleep, but gave the girls their normal binkies and they eventually got some sleep too.

As all of this has been going on I have continued reading the book Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry by Aletha J. Solter. The book has really resonated with me. I mentioned in my last post the premise of the book, which is that babies and children should be allowed and encouraged to cry and rage when they express the need in the presence of an accepting and nurturing adult. In the words of the author: "emotional problems, behavioral problems, and stress-related illnesses are not caused by stress itself, but by the suppression of the natural healing mechanisms, specifically crying and raging, that serve the purpose of restoring the body's physiological and psychological balance following stress." I find this assertion to be refreshing in its simplicity, but also fairly radical in terms of the mental shift needed in order to approach parenting a crying child. I have always consistently responded to my children's cries (barring earlier this week when I didn't know how else to enforce the new no-binky rule), but I, like the vast majority of parents I suspect, have always tried to soothe the crying away. I think I have a pretty healthy respect for the need to express emotions and be heard, but it never occurred to me that at times I may be inadvertantly communicating to my kids that I don't want them to express themselves. As I mentioned before I do think there is a time and place to teach kids appropriate modes of expression, but by no means are my kids old enough, in my opinion, to be considered inappropriate for crying and throwing tantrums in the face of frustration, stress, or negative emotions.

One thing Solter talks about is what she calls control patterns--habits or behaviors people use to prevent themselves from feeling emotional pain and crying. One of the the control patterns she mentions is the use of pacifiers. I'm not sure how this all fits in with the idea that newborn babies benefit from pacifiers because of their innate need to suck and the comfort they draw from it, but certainly by my kids' age I think it could be reasonably stated that pacifiers, by and large, are used to prevent my kids from crying. Even though we only really use them at bedtimes now, I know that they have come to depend on them to fall asleep and if the binkies were absent, crying would ensue. Which brings me back to this afternoon.

I decided to continue with my binky removal plan, but instead of leaving my kids to sort out their angst on their own I would stay with them while they cried, complained, whined, and raged. And they did. For two hours. Amelia was the most adamant, but everyone had their say and they didn't hold back. They cried, screamed, and flailed. They definitely had me wondering at times if I was doing them more harm than good. But each time that thought crossed my mind I thought this couldn't be worse than leaving them all alone to do the exact same thing only without the support. I just stayed with them, held them as much as I could, and encouraged them to cry as much as they needed to. It was really fascinating actually. Amelia especially, who was clearly the most upset without her binky (I ended up going with no binkies rather than the modified ones today), went through phases of crying and raging, then calming down and getting super snuggly, giggly, and playful. Then she would point to the binky drawer again and I would tell her no binkies right now, and the crying and raging started all over again. By the time she was through she was literally asleep in my arms, exhausted from the marathon but also more cuddly than usual. Abigail was also completely spent from the episode. Unfortunately I was not actually holding her when she decided she'd had enough crying because my arms were full of her siblings, and I wonder if she did not get all the crying done she needed because when she woke up after napping she still had some crying to do. Gabe calmed down quicker than the girls and did not drop from exhaustion, but I think too that he could have used more cry time or just more holding, because he woke up after only 45 minutes. At that point I got him out of bed and he snuggled with me in the recliner and slept for a while on my lap.

I can't say at this point if I'm sold on this technique of hearing them out and encouraging them to vent, but to me it makes logical sense and I'm interested in seeing if I continue to approach their crying in this way, if they will come to cry less often overall because they know that when they do need to cry they will be acknowledged and loved. This is unconditional love--no matter how noisy, needy, clingy, or angry you are, I will love you through it all. I will not abandon you to figure it out on your own or make you feel like it's wrong to feel what you feel. I may not be able to fix the problem, but I can make sure you know you're not alone. Isn't that what we all want? Although we had a rough afternoon, we had a lovely evening and a happy bedtime (though I admit I did not have the heart to ban binkies at bedtime too. We'll see how naptime pans out for the next few days). I am encouraged and hopeful.

And on that note, I will end this epic length blog post with just a quick update on the root canal, since several people have been enormously encouraging. I am currently planning on finishing up with a different endodontist. It will be a bit tricky because of insurance payments and the logistics of scheduling, but I am optimistic that it will work out. It appears I will not get in for an appointment until a couple weeks from now, but thankfully I'm not in pain and I'm confident I can wait it out.

And here is a happy video of Abigail on the big slide, just to make you smile. Goodnight!